Once more he stands in front of me….takes me by surprise, stands so close I feel faint, and tilting his chin, he looks down at me….
“You’re doing it again” he says, “avoiding me….why?”
Standing his ground, eyes cold, intense….”every time you see me, you turn and look away…..WHY???”
“Don’t you see” I say, “Firstly, I only ever see you in this god awful place….think about it” and now all the held back feelings, my own anger at the seeming futility, absurdity of our situation fills me, overflows. I square my shoulders, loosen my spine, give him back the look he’s just given me. And again,
“Don’t you SEE?”
“Every time I see you, I feel like my heart will explode right through my chest….when I see you I am afraid, afraid of my feelings “
He says nothing, stands there, looking, looking….
“And when I see you, I light up…aflame, then I feel too open, too vulnerable “
He shifts slightly, “And when you don’t see me?”
“Then I am looking for you, wanting, wanting only to see you again ,”
“So, that’s how it is?”
Still unsmiling, he reaches out and tucks a stray hair behind my ear, cups his long fingers around my neck. And I stand still, quivering like a frightened deer, wanting to run, wanting to stay, then step back, “look where we are for god’s sake” and this time it is me, who turns and walks away, out into fresh air, gulping it in, shuddering, I can still smell the sweat on his skin.
And walking faster towards the sanctuary of my car, trying to shake off the sense of him. I hear footsteps behind me. A hand reaches out , curls lightly around me and without any thought, my body turns, literally melts into him. His other hand cups my neck, warm, solid, comforting….and reaching up to his wonderful mouth, I kiss him.
And now, hot breath in my ear “I could have you now, right here, and be damned to everybody “….heated bodies cling, my hips move against him, involuntarily. I have to pull back, get myself under control.
“Come, come with me now” he murmurs, and we climb into his car, and leave.
And then the old familiar terrors drain away all that heat.
A quivering mess, I turn to him.
“Stop, stop the car. I can’t do this”
We both get out, I stand shaking, arms wrapped protectively around my body.
“Its too late. Far too late. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE WITH A MAN ANYMORE”.
I’m terrified of what’s coming, the shedding of clothing, my protective skin.
He approaches cautiously, gathers me carefully into him, breathing deeply, saying nothing, and slowly I match my breathing with him, once more sinking in towards the shelter of him.
“I don’t know how to be with a man anymore….it’s been so very many years”
Still quietly holding me, “You needn’t be afraid ….
we’ll take it slowly, you’ll see. I’ll make it easy ….let me do this, for you.”
And taking my hand, firmly, gently, he leads me back to the car and I go with him.
Excerpt from Breaking Taboos….an Erotic Fantasy