SORROWS

It was too late
She would never
Reach him
Never be able
To share
The beauty
The power
The tenderness
The heart…..

Blood
Marrow
Bone…..

In the end
Everything
Always
Had to be
Diminished
Trivialized
Turned on it’s
Head
Into something funny
It was too
Late
Now…..

And
Her heart
And soul
Mourned
The knowing…..

It was
Too late
Now

MA. Summer 2017

ANXIETY


ANXIETY….

AT THE WITCHING HOUR,

usually around 4-5 am

The Lizard Brain kicks in

All the unnecessary worries

Damped down during the day 

Rise like hellish demons from the deep

“Why did they leave so early 

Is he angry with me

Did I say something wrong 

Is everyone against me

I can’t stand it

Was it all my fault

What did I do???

I didn’t do anything wrong

I don’t think I can live

One more day like this

I can’t breathe

Will I die in my bed

And the animals go hungry

Till they eat me”???

*****

Sweating

Trembling

Gagging with fear

Throat closing up

She reaches for the loaded gun

Always cocked and ready 

Beneath her pillow 

Pulls the trigger, slowly 

Shoots the Lizard!!!

*****

Takes a long deep breath

Pads down to the kitchen 

In bare feet 

Makes a cup of Tea.

MA©️.            Summer 2018

FINDING GOD

“They told us our Gods
Would outlive us
They told us our dreams
Would outlive us
They told us our Gods
Would outlive us
But…..they lied”

Lyrics from”Distant Sky”
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
“Skeleton Tree”
Image from Andrew Dominik’s film
“One More Time With Feeling”

and the reverberations shake me to the core…..

“Pulled
Willingly
Into a place
So Holy
Skin shivers
Like a spooked horse
Heart fills
Bursts
Heart hurts
This
This Holiness
This feeling
This
Is what was missing
When you knelt
In prayer
Hoping
In vain
That the God
You don’t believe in
Will hear
This is
This
Is
What was missing
This place
So sacred
You can’t even
Whisper
Its name
This is it
This is……the place

MA Spring 2016

WILD WEATHER

Wild weather whirling
And whining
Around this house
While outside
Doors bang mournfully
To and fro
Freak weather warnings abound
And the winter wind sighs
Round and round
While I, snug warmly
With cats and dog
For company
Care not, if rain
Or hail, or snow
Comes visiting our place
This little cottage
Sits safe and cheerful
In peace and grace

MA. Winter. 2016

NICK CAVE

Fleeting impressions…..from the film

“One More Time With Feeling”

not yet a cohesive whole….I give you fragments of this life altering meditation on grief…..

grief, so palpable
I ache with it
the long drive home
from the city
after midnight
echoes in sympathy
my stark memories
the heavens split wide
hard rain falls
heavily
I can barely see…..

In silence
I reach for that
Holy feeling
In the speeding
darkness
full
empty
my senses reeling

If I can just reach
Home
smoke a cigarette
drink some whiskey
perhaps then
I will feel relief
release
I drink
I smoke
but the bursting fullness
the hollow emptiness
stays
with me
in me
helpless
hanging
like a hooked fish
on a taut line
if I write it down
if I get it out
then I’ll feel just fine
But I don’t
the grief holds me
in its tight embrace

I still see the look
on Nick Cave’s face
soft and worn
a child newborn
hollowed out
with love
and sorrow

the conductor
leads
violin
and cello
Warren Ellis
kind eyes shining
liquid
light
lovely lean face
Biblically bearded
his arms lift
draw upon the air
the flight of swans
descent of eagles
lift
and fall
with
long fingered
Grace…
a benediction
of earthly Angels

and beyond my door
rain still pours
from the dark grey skies
dense
heavy
filling my eyes
where no tears fall
heart like a bleeding
trembling bird…..
thrumming to this poet’s
word

“with my voice
I am calling you”
“with my voice
I am calling you”

MA Spring 2016

Final lines are Nick Cave’s
From the song “Jesus Alone”

Image from the film “One More Time With Feeling”
by Andrew Dominik

THE BEAUTIFUL BONES

She was tired
So goddamn battered
Bruised
Back against the wall
Doing it alone
From here
To eternity
Tired…..everybody said they liked it.

Calling out
Into the crushing
Emptiness
Of a life
Half lived
Fingernails torn
And
Bleeding
Hanging
From the crumbling
Cliff edge
She screamed
Into the
Dreadful
Silence…….everybody said they liked it

Days later
She died
In a cluttered house
With
Dark halls
And
Narrow walls
Her hungry animals
Pacing
A lonely vigil
Until
They
Found her ……everybody said they liked it

On her gravestone
At her request
Six simple words
“I told you I was tired”
People came with flowers
Drank to her memory
And
Deep down
In the cool dark ground
The flesh slipped free
From
Her
Beautiful bones……and everybody said they liked it.

MA. November, 2017.

RAIN

Rain

Dusk
A stillness
Palpable
A presence that
Hangs heavy in the air…….

The promise of rain

Heady intoxicating Jasmine
Lily of the Valley
Delicately perfumed
Lemon flowers
All releasing this question …..

Will it rain ?

Birds seem to think so
As they twitter in the darkening trees
Yet you, or me
Don’t
It happens so infrequently
Like a long ago memory
In childhood dreams
Rain
Will it rain ?

MA. Spring 2015

THAT ONE THING

THE NEXT THING…..

ALWAYS pushing
Rushing
Scrambling forward
To the next thing
That you always
Wanted…

That
Thing

Did you find
It there
Amongst the
Blank despair
Of
All
That
Hurrying???

Stay with what
You
Love the
Most
The
Holiest
Ghost
That One thing
Above
The many
Was there ever
Any
Doubt
About it???

Stay
Oh Stay
With the One
You
Love
The perfect
Hovering
Dove
Sink
Down
Deep
And in the
Sacred time
Of Dreaming…..
Offerings
Come
Trickling
Then
Pouring forth
Unexpectedly
From the gods…..

Stay then
If you will
Drink your fill
Stay
Oh stay
With that
One
True
Thing

MA. Spring. 2017

WITH GRACE

With Grace

I like the way you move
Body in harmony with the earth below
Balanced and graceful
Slow…..slow
Like a dancer
Or a master of Kung Fu
You move me with your cat like poise
You…..You……
I like the way you move

And when you lean towards me
My body stays so still
Its my will…..my will
Keeping me there
When in my stillness
On this chair
My soul self unwinds
Unbinds, lifts up
Towards your chest
Rests there …..rests……
Arms coiled round you
Around you
Nestling in your smell
Heaven and Hell
I like the way you move me

MA ©️ Spring 2014