ONE MORE STEP, one more breath …
Long distance driving and free range thinking on my way to Melbourne and the Nick Cave Concert…..WHAT’S it like to be this Age (Terry Pratchett called it the Death Zone), let’s be real here… life is in the final stages, so I’d better use up every bit that’s left, while it’s still an option…, what is it like???
I cry easily and more often…..grief and happiness in almost equal measure. Happiness in being with the animals I love and care for, in seeing trust come to “Little Cat”, the refugee…..the garden, started from scratch after removing the big, straggly wattle…..a complete turnaround from sober, subtle blue /green /greys of succulents, to vivid purples, oranges, lavenders, yellows, blues and reds, with lots of greenery. The late night mooch around the plants, all lit up, is a joy.
Cravings, lust, desire….all crowd for attention (a little like teenage years all over again) overlaid with a hunger for speaking out, breaking taboos, and not caring much about what anyone else thinks about it.
Sorrow and Loss….loss of Children, Grandchildren, lost youth, beauty, lost love, lost vigour. Some days I can barely function….. when I,m surrounded by loved ones, I’m highly energized.
Lost hope, lost dreams…..
Understanding, and the bitter sweet knowing that it comes with living, no sooner……I can look back, and further back, and see, comprehend, know……the AHA moments when you could have done this rather than that, said or not said, acted instead of retreating….I guess this is wisdom, a strange cruel joke, played by the gods on us all. When we have most need of it (it is still in the birthing stages), and when it is most robust, we are beyond using it to repair and replenish what came before. Irony. And acceptance.
And grief…..we are the one species who understands that nobody gets out alive.
And I am very tired.

MA. 31st January, 2017